I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
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how much for the angry fruit?
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
The Birdles
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
I have obtained a hat
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse