[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
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Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group