You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
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one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
Good morning, Twitter x
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him: