Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
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[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already