Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
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[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?