This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
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1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
girls literally only want one thing..
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
Yup
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!