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We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
getting groceries
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
*gets down on one knee*
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore