I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
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Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.