Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
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Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
It’s not enough for my dog to sit and get pets; he must also make eye contact with my other dog to make sure that he knows.
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”