To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
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Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.
This why you should mind your business
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?