Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
You Might Also Like
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
It’s an epidemic…
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose