The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
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iPhone X
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
Room with a view.
Ok but actually
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
BETRAYAL
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
Confused owl: What?!
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.