My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
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It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.