“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
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iPhone X
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
(more comics:
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
My purse is deeper than some people.
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal