What base is it when he watches you fall off your barstool with a mouthful of loaded fries?
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Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”