Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
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Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
cause of death:
autopsy.
If you love someone, let them tweet.
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
A French press is when you hug naked
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down