Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
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90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.