If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
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After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.