told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
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“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
Rooting for the overdog
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
In hell, every bite of steak tastes like kale.
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
My Dad’s TV exploded, sparks and smoke, the whole 9 yards. I of course used this as an opportunity to tell him if took better care of his things and didn’t watch rubbish, none of this would have happened.
ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
Interior design 👌
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?