[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
You Might Also Like
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what