WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
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I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”
7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”
You got it, brother. 🫡
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
I have written yet another poem about laundry
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
so this horse walks into a bar
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.