Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
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“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
What the hell is going on?
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
Wasps: bees, but not helping
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.