Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
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If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating