I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
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opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.