Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
You Might Also Like
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
So true for me
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.