4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
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remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
canadian assassins are called killergrams
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.