KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
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I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
when you don’t want to be too vague
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.