Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
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wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
My in-laws visited today.
FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.
My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?
I love my son.
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
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They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.