Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
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I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.