Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
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We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
Best table by far
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
can’t bark with your mouth full
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?