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When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
FINE, I WON’T.
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
Yup!
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit