Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
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I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement