No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
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Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
brian had himself a morning…
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
describing stardew valley
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
I don’t understand wanting a pet and then getting fish. All you can do is look at them. A fish tank is basically a boring TV show that you have to feed.
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve