I asked a judge if he would reconsider some of my case settings. I explained it’s hard to try 4 divorce cases 4 days in a row. He laughed and said, “Imagine having to listen to you argue 4 consecutive days.” And my husband who had no business even in the courtroom said, “Yep.”
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I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…