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Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
There is no “ea” in Tim.
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
john wicks are toilet candles
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
the #horror is real!
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered