Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
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Asked the mechanic how much it would cost for my son’s car to pass inspection and he transferred me to their mortgage department.
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
is this a threat
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
I need better friends
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
Me buying fruit and veg
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
mechanics be like
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?