Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
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If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
a lot to unpack here
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.