*seductively peels off lederhosen
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Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
I feel attacked.
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard