I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
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CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26
HIM: I’m a running back.
ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.