“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
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Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
repaired
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…