I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
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*limbos away from your hug*
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
for all #parents out there
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
Oh. My. God.
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
Omg, you guys, the Jehovah’s Witnesses just showed up at my door, and I guess I’ve been living alone for too long because I talked so much they finally had to excuse themselves.
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket