There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
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Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.