I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
You Might Also Like
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
this chia pet tastes awful
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*