Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
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If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
These are my emotional support Pringles.
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them