Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
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Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
do you like subpoena coladas?
and getting caught and arraigned?
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.
I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person
I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.