it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
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Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
three things we don’t talk about
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.