if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
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It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
Doctors texting each other.
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying