do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
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“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
🍞🦆
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.
I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
[first episode of tv show]
Guy: Hi
Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea