Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
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this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
Become a minion. Get that bread.
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.