I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
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I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
“Sheer Arrogance”
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
How do you like your Corgi?